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While many single black and latina women internally battle the marriage disparity between them and their white counterparts, the idea of tolerating inappropriate behaviors from significant others becomes more appealing and tolerable than being alone for the rest of their lives. Now, that reasoning may seem fine and dandy in the moment, but that’s not what being in a happy relationship is about. This idea that all relationships will eventually be dysfunctional is erroneous and self-defeating. So, the question then becomes how does a woman of color position herself to find a suitable mate?
The short answer is that she shifts her focus towards herself and stops living through the fear of being alone. Anytime we do anything in fear the end result is never as beneficial or fulfilling as doing something out of genuine free will. Below are few common techniques I offer clients when fear is getting in the way of getting what you truly desire.
Stop comparing yourself to others: Even if it means a scheduled break from social media. Everyone has different obstacles to overcome; that’s what makes us unique.
Replace negative self-talk with positive mantras: Don't be your number one hater, remind yourself of the positives. There's a whole world willing to talk down to you, stop joining them.
Be present: Many times our fears are rooted in the future and in situations to come and most of the time we end up worrying unnecessarily. Remind yourself to be appreciative of where you are today and what you've already accomplished. Don’t live too far into the future.
Write down your fears: Assessing the validity of our fears is a good way to understand where our focus needs to be and helps us get rid of those fears that aren’t relevant. Beginning one fear at a time, take a look at what’s preventing you from having a healthy relationship.
It takes time to make changes to our way of thinking, but investing that time can surely save a lot of money and unnecessary heartbreak in the long run. Give yourself more than a fighting chance to have a healthy relationship; you shouldn't have to just tolerate someone.